I forgot that livejournal existed; it has been months since I have looked at this thing, months since I have written anything- and I am just now realizing how little I have let escape my mind lately. I am insanely tired of school, tired of Savannah; a hermitized homeworker out of touch with people I love. A senior in college in the relationship of her life; tired and happy, hoping with all of the energy I possess that everyone is the same.

how many days has it been now since school ended? im going absolutely insane... i get up at 7, drive maureen to whitemarsh for her internship, return home- clean, watch pbs, clean, do laundry, watch pbs, watch pbs, discover yet another nail leaking air out of my tire, get an oil change- wait for 2 hours in the waiting room with 4 sets of wandering eyes and a mother with her screaming two year old to find out that the "free" service and maintenance only lasts up to 30,000 miles and that the many trips back and forth between cleveland and savannah have racked up 40,317 in less than two years. so i just spent $50 and am now broke and stuck in savannah until the first of the month when i will have the pleasure of driving 14 hours to my home that id kill to be in at this very moment. mr. mom was on the other night. i feel like a helpless housewife

i have to pick maureen up at 8.

there was a dead armadillo at the side of the road. crickets: 100 for $3.79. 2 baby alligators. 7 birds whose particular species i dont care to know. 9 hours of driving or walking- mostly in places i've never been. i drove by scores of 20 by 24 prints- symmetrical in ways only nature can be, centrally weighted- if composed correctly. i drove by scores of 20 by 24 prints, and only shot two frames.

"its great to see you with a smile on your face." [its great to see YOU]
it was great to be out of my apartment
i had a very fulfilling day.

i took down the horrible loft that wasted the spaciousness of our "dining" room. it took assembling the entire thing to find out that coastal storage had broken pieces necessary for the desk, shelves, and loft bed to be usable as one unit; like the once new and beautiful red couch- ruined. so for months whenever i glanced in the direction of that wooden mess it was with contempt. yesterday afternoon i decided on a whim that my living room was going to be arranged in a somewhat useful manner(finally), and- while moving the couches around, i decided that the piece which once was the skeleton of maureen's living space was coming down and going up to the attic in pieces. and so it did. i worked from 12 noon until 10:30 pm and loved and enjoyed every minute of it. i no longer know what i am meant to do with my life. how strange and seemingly ridiculous that something which could be called a household chore can be so mind altering.

i DO know that i go to hasselblad.com on a weekly basis and sit with watery eyes, staring at medium format cameras. i have the nikon n70 digital fact sheet hanging on my bedroom wall, a canon rebel200, nikon n80, pentax me super with the most perfect 50 mm lens, and three polaroid cameras. i love composing shots and pressing the shutter. i love having 100's of contact sheets of my work, and if it were possible to marry moments, i would be a polygamist- married to each one spent watching as my interpretation of the world develops. i am not a lover of technicality. i dont like perfection in anyone else's term but my own. i despise developing and maybe even printing- but love the results. is that enough? i dont know if it is anymore. 2D, 3D, and drawing 2 have been the only classes which i have taken that i have actually given myself to. i worked my asssss off in all three of these classes and i was happy, i was fulfilled. i feel that way about photography, but not photography courses. they arent dirty enough for me, they arent physically challenging, they dont involve the amount of hands on work that i think i need.

sebastian guards my fireplace; gonzalez the cockroach ran to it because sebastian is too imperfect for my standards to be guard of anything. i know i can do better than that. i would like to.

if there is enough space im taking printmaking this summer, and if it is offered, id like to take music appreciation- because if there is such a thing as music appreciation, holy hell i have it.

i slept in my bed last night for the first time since i chased the cockroach into my fireplace. it was hardly restful. i couldnt fall asleep because i was so paranoid about gonzalez creeping into my bed (though i havent seen him since tuesday.)i curled up into a ball- AWAY from the wall, wrapped my blanket around so that there could not possibly be room for a creature to roam, and turned on the fan- just in case. when i did fall asleep i had a dream about the tara that you have never met. it was unpleasant- to say the least. ive never been like this before.

i felt ill after returning from vinnie's- i'm hoping that it was my motion sickness kicking in *yes, from the ride home... i cannot handle very much of anything lately without feeling pukey afterward. maureen went out to dinner with friends for andrew's birthday, and told me to take a nap so that i could come out later with ollie- the kiwi sailor living across the street 3 weeks ago until this evening. i watched what i could of "the swan" from the red couch, wrapped in my down blanket with all of the windows open. and gross, what a terrible terrible show- i'm ending it right there... i woke up very recently and entered the bathroom to get ready for bed, when in mid- cleaning, my spinbrush died on me. so i walked into my room to get a new set of AA's only to discover a fairly large cockroach staring at me from atop my box of polaroids. many things ran through my head: 1. what is it like to be so inconsiderate that you move in on someone's comfortable, clean SLEEPING space?- i did not invite him/her in, but suspect that he(or she) entered through a gap between the door and floorboard, or else has been hibernating in my fireplace/attic, waiting for the perfect time to emerge and flash its middle antennae at me and my want to enjoy my sinfully comfortable bed. 2. what is it like to be so small and to see comparably giant humans squirm at the mere sight of you?- i tried my best to get him/her out, but those legs can move much faster than mine...3. GET THE FUCK OFF OF MY POLAROIDS. it is just a bug, i know. but even the slight possibility of such a creature crawling on my bed as i sleep is enough to keep me out of my chambers for a night. you've won this time you little bastard, but there wont be a next time. i am going to kill you and your entire family.

mark my words,
cooney cooney wooney

maureen went out last night. she saw him there, days after we ran into each other in the kroger parking lot- where he discovered that he knew a pair of sisters, and where that pair of sisters found that they had yet another acquaintance in common. last night he went on and on about all of the things she needed to tell me, things that were more than obvious as we sat in that cold dark miserable basement. she relayed his drunken thoughts as only a sister could, and i laughed.

i did attempt to play MASH yesterday. and yes, it was over even before it began... i was only able to come up with two names: one is a total stranger who has great hair and beautiful lips, and the other is enthralling intelligence with a 3 year relationship.

and i laughed. this time at myself.

1) find furniture for back porch
2) clean, rearrange, reorganize, decorate apartment
3) buy a planter for herb garden
4) (buy)bring plants into the house that are living (or find out if resurrection
is possible)
5) shoot, develop
6) shoot, develop
7) shoot, develop, print
8) lightproof bathroom (developing supplies are on their way)
9) read/study
10) write history paper by saturday
11) locate the recycling center and take the weight of 30 glass bottles off of the
fridge
12) find a drill to reattach bathroom lock
13) get a hair cut/trim
14) talk to my father about digital camera
15) return billy's movie
16) create self-portrait for cmpa
17) call brian and yell
18) go bowling
19) pay rueben's parking ticket
20) buy new sketchbook
21) email cj and nathan
22) call lauren, clare and tara
23) stay up later than 11
24) be social
25) relieve stress
26) buy sharpies
27) have fun
28) catch up with the rest of the world
29) stop waiting around for bracelet to fall off
30) eat cheesecake

"the giver" has been missing from my mantle.
it is very important to me.

my dad used to tell me that i gave the best hugs. i remember the smile on his face that formed each time my arms opened and reached for him- it was one reserved for me, and it is one that i havent seen in quite a long time. because i grew and she got sick and i couldnt let myself feel anymore.
on saturday i sat with him as he cried, and i couldnt let go. that afternoon, she put her arms around me as i did the same, and i couldnt hug her back.

ive got issues with tissues and im not quite sure what they are. this visit has been long and upsetting. my house is dirty and smells like boys. i am behind in my work and have missed class. and im worried and unsure of what im suppossed to do. i dont want to let them go.

there are no words to explain-
i dont know what is happening here

all 3 of my brothers are going to be in this apartment on thursday

she told her to stop trying to save the world.
she is a corpse on planet bitch
who will never know what is to lose
because she never allowed herself anything more than typical mediocrity
so everything died around her.
and she was satisfied.
and shes telling my sister that she should be the same.

i was referred to as "that lady" today. is it weird that it made me feel a little weird?

Your True Nature by llScorpiusll
Username
The quality that most appeals to you:	Sense of Humour
In a survival situation, you:	Fight, but reluctantly
Your hidden talent is:	Discrimination
Your gift is:	Genius
In groups, you:	Get the party started
Your best quality is:	Your indomitable will
Your weakness is:	Your laziness
Created with quill18's MemeGen 3.0!

i had no idea that discrimination was a talent.

i just turned my shit in. and by shit i do not mean work, stuff, things, etc. i mean actual crap, garbage, artistic bull. i snapped at maureen when she got out of the car at henry, almost hit a dog that ran out in front of me, and received a nasty look from rebecca as i walked into bergen. if i had just hit the dog and finals were not going on right now, i think that id feel the very same way i do at this moment. what a damn waste of EVERYTHING... i dont like having half of an ass, it  makes even sitting uncomfortable. im making macaroni and cheese even though it makes me sick to my stomach, because i havent eaten anything since 4 oclock yesterday afternoon and have no money. my pants are falling off and im not sure if its because i havent eaten or because i need to do laundry- it was thrown and wrinkled on my unmade bed when i got home at 12:45am, after day three of 10 or more hours in the darkroom. i didnt split any lips last night- actually it was a somewhat pleasant experience (under the circumstances). i had intelligent and wonderful conversations with my classmates- which made me once again, regret not getting to know them sooner. chris and ben walked in and asked how i was, and i replied with a very frustrated "i suck", chris responded with a very loud and almost angry "YOU DONT SUCK" which caught me off guard and made me laugh. i have a tiny,tiny,tiny crush, but am not going to do anything about it- not because of him, but because its not that important to me right now, and  im tired of being the one, who is then shut down... (im not being that serious about being shut down, though it is true). im just tired of bullshit and as a result, am quite possibly lacking... 90 minutes before ben took me home i stopped working on my prints- i sat at the table and TALKED the other half of my ass off. it felt much better being in light (artificial or not). it felt nice to be near other people in my situation, and  to help with their color correction (much nicer than it felt being in absolute darkness working on my own)  this left me with 17 tiny, unbalanced and unmatching prints- and i didnt care. i fell asleep on the couch closest to the fish.

and as i waited to leave i smiled a great big smile, "nice talking to you".

i have my entire graphic design project to do, and  that class can burn in hell for all i care. this house is a damn mess and i am not going to clean until i feel like it. so screw you, no screwing in my room. only im allowed.

i cant find my phone and i need to send maureen a message: sorry for snapping. neither she, nor i, or anyone else matters...

hope you are well. if i could hug you as you read this, it would be the strongest youve ever felt- i need it back... take care, see you soon my friends. 

(SIGH)